RANDOM THOUGHTS

THIS IS MY VERY FIRST "BLOG" SO PLEASE BE KIND!! I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY IDEAS TO WRITE ABOUT AT THIS TIME. SO THIS WILL BE RANDOM................I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THAT I AM SADDENED OVER THE DEATHS THAT HAVE TOUCHED MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS LATEL. EVEN THOUGH IT IS ALL A PART OF LIVING, GRIEF IS VERY HARD FOR ME TO PROCESS. I EITHER GIVE INTO IT AND BECOME AN EMOTIONAL "MESS" TO POINT OF NOT FUNCTIONING, OR I TRY TO DISTANCE MYSELF AND THEN TO OTHERS THAT SEEMS COLD. SORRY FOLKS I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER EXPLAINATION. I AM A REAL EMOTIONAL PERSON, I AM NOT A FAKE, I REFUSE TO PRETEND TO BE OTHER THAN I AM. I "FEEL" FOR EVERYONE, AND I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM BECOMING A BIG BLUBBERING MESS......SO IN ESSENCE I SHUT GRIEF UP AND SON'T PROCESS IT VERY WELL. THAT MEANS THAT AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS IT WILL BREAK OUT AND VOILA I AM CRYING AND HAVE TO TRY REAL HARD TO GET CONTROL. I HAVE "UNTENDED" GRIEF FROM WAY BACK IN MY SINGLE DIGIT YEARS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET PAST DEATHS THAT OCCURED WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, SO NOW THAT I AM A RIPE OLE 46 I HAVE A HARD TIME FACING FUNERAL SCENES. THAT IS NOT TO MEAN THAT THE PEOPLE CONCERN ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO ME QUITE THE CONTRARY, THEY USUALLY MEAN VERY MUCH TO ME AND I CAN'T FACE THEIR DEATH AT THAT TIME. LATER AFTER IT HAS TIME TO REGISTER I WILL BE ABLE TO COME TO GRIPS WITH IT. I HAVE BEEN TO VERY FEW FUNERALS SINCE "MY DADDY" DIED, JUST CLOSE FAMILY MEMBERS AND THE ONES I TOOK MY DAUGHTER TOO WHEN SHE DIDN'T HAVE A RIDE OF HER OWN. I AM AN EMOTIONAL WIMP I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING THAT, WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU, I KNOW WHEN TO PRESERVE MYSELF AND SHIELD MYSELF FROM HURT. I GRIEVE IN MY OWN WAY AT MY OWN PACE AND "COMING TOGETHER" WITH OHTERS GRIEVING DOESN'T HELP ME OR THEM. JUST HAVE TO SAY MAY EVERYONE THAT HAS PASSED ON FROM THIS LIFE "REST IN PEACE" AND GOD BLESS THE ONES LEFT BEHIND..................